Why Don’t We Love Ourselves?

So, why is it that we have a hard time loving others?

Why is it that we have a hard time loving ourselves?

It is the same reason that many people immerse themselves in activities to such a great degree that they shut out those feelings that they would prefer not to experience.

We human beings need connection with other humans to live — especially when we are young. Too many in these more modern times have had to deal with parents who have been traumatized themselves falling into mental health problems which never allowed them to give the love that a healthier person would have been able to give fully.

Given that we came from tribes of many all working together for survival the fact that this is no longer the case, many have not been able to have their emotional needs taken care of — such as the need for safety which allows for appropriate safe attachment — healthy bonding with one’s parents.

So we get addicted to all sorts of things — be it substances, though it need not always be substances. It can be overwork, gambling, shopping, sex, etc. All done in the effort to soothe ourselves from the lack of attachment to our parents and to ourselves. For others, it is the lack of ability to regulate their emotions either being easily hurt or quick to anger causing all sorts of problems in their interpersonal interactions.

Without doing this work before entering a relationship much distress will be carried into the relationship as one acts out all the coping mechanisms needed to deal with the trauma of earlier life. Coping mechanisms which have outlived their usefulness. This means that the relationship will never be a healthy one because your own relationship with yourself is unhealthy.

In order to reclaim ourselves, we have to understand WHY these behavioral patterns occurred so that we can heal them. Once healed, a sense of self-love which includes the ability to be our authentic selves in any relationship that we enter will allow for a healthy and stable manner of living. This is what you need to bring into any relationship that you enter.

Unfortunately, many therapists and healers have no concept of this mechanism, instead of looking at the effects of the trauma, they look at the symptoms of the trauma itself coming up with the diagnoses, a huge mistake which is why few people get better even after years of therapy.

The one thing that I can tell you after working in the field of mental health for almost 30 years now, is that many of the psychiatric labels given are not only destructive but have nothing to do with why a person does or doesn’t do what is expected. It almost always goes back to a traumatic event that once healed is able to bring about the healing of another.

These days many people are seeking out all sorts of Gurus and psychedelic experiences. The issue with this is that though some of these individuals are able to do some excellent work, many of them exploit those who are vulnerable and incapable of listening to their own gut to leave these gurus when their gut tells them. This is even true for those who are unhappy with their therapist worried about what would happen should they leave a therapist who leaves them feeling worse after their sessions. Why? Because these people are cut off from their feelings because of the same trauma that brought them to seek help in the first place. So, be very mindful in terms of why you are moving forward and with whom to receive your help in healing.

Generally speaking, true healing happens either one-on-one or in a small group dynamic where people can interact and learn from one another.

There is never a ‘cult’ mentality — rather a healthy space for self-exploration to learn what needs to be learned and in so doing bring about the healing process.

I was thinking about how lucky I was to be able to do my healing both individually and in very small group settings with professionals who had the self-awareness to understand the sacred positions they had put themselves in with respect to healing others. Because, by the very nature of those who have mental health issues, there is a huge vulnerability in that person which can be exploited for the benefit of the so-called healer.

Of course, healing can only be done when the person who needs to do the healing is ready to do the deep inner work to allow healing to occur. So, nobody can be forced into healing themselves, not really. This is why many who have been so forced have gained nothing but antagonism toward those who forced the issue.

Learning: Healing needs to be done by the person when they are ready to do the deep inner work necessary to release the old coping mechanisms that no longer serve them. The healer needs to be a person who is capable of dealing with the traumatic events that developed the defense mechanism that is currently creating the problems for the individual and in so doing can help that person create the future as they want it.

***For anyone who is ready to look deeper into themselves with the sole determination to heal, do contact me so we can have a discussion to see if my services can help you and if so which one. Everything that I do with my clients is based on receiving positive learnings from the past, letting those negative events go while living in the present, and then creating your future the way you want it — with the emphasis on the creation of your future the way you want it. You may text me at: +1 781–315–1719 to set up a free consultation.