When is it Time To Call it Quits in a Marriage or Primary Relationship?
Today we are going to assess when to leave a primary relationship because there are times when this is necessary even if it is not desired outcome.
First, I want to make it clear that if you are in a relationship and you truly love one another, many times the issues in the relationship can be healed. It does however take both partners to work out the issues.
One of the things that I have learned during my life is that the environments in which one lives and works are important to one’s health and wellbeing. Too often people stay in environments that are truly unhealthy because often they have been in that environment for so long that it is just their ‘norm.’ This is really too bad because if one is living with a person for example who is abusing alcohol and can be very abusive even if just verbally, a person can easily lose their sense of self and go deep into depression. The only thing that can fix this particular problem is if the partner that is abusing the alcohol and being abusive is willing to get the treatment necessary to stop drinking alcohol and stay off of it. I have seen so many clients in dire condition because of this situation. Sometimes, it is best to just leave so you can regain your sense of self and thus your life. It isn’t easy, but it is much better than feeling emotionally abused and depressed in a situation that you really have little to no control over.
When the partners have lost interest in one another — they no longer share the same desires for their lives — the relationship has gone its course. You know this has happened when you realize that you and your partner no longer share the same interests. Many times this happens because one grows quicker than the other and is onto other things in life — may be the drinking and going to clubs mentality is old for one and the other is still desiring that lifestyle. Or, maybe one is a homebody and never wants to go anywhere any longer and the other mate wants to go out and do things — maybe travel but the partner wants nothing to do with any of that. It’s a mismatch in maturity and/or desired lifestyle at this point.
I have worked with many men over the years who are sex addicts through no fault of their own. In several cases, the wife knew nothing of his problem, yet he knew that what he was doing was making him feel lousy so all he wanted was to get this under control. Now, one need not be a sex addict to be out having affairs behind his partner’s back. In any case, this is a problem because there is a breach of trust which needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. If you are a sex addict, the good news is that I can help you to overcome it if you are ready to do so. However, if you are a person who is unable to commit and that is what your partner is expecting of you, it may be time to deal with the reality that this is something that you are unwilling to do and to leave your partner instead of continuing the false pretense that you partner is living under. The exception to this would be if you are involved in an open relationship that both of you have agreed to.
Mental health issues: This is a tough one having been a person who certainly has had to deal with it herself. I was lucky in that my partner was there for me as I got it dealt with once and for all. However, once I was no longer ill, he came to the conclusion that I didn’t need him any longer which of course was a problem. I certainly did not want to be with a person who thought I ‘needed’ him. What I wanted was a partner who ‘wanted’ me — a huge distinction and that led to the marriage dissolving. We a still very close friends, but not for a marriage.
A partner who is always undermining you, keeping you from your friends and relatives, is totally controlling of you needs to be gotten rid of. This is actually a very bad form of abuse that a few of my clients have found themselves dealing with. Interestingly enough, none of them realized that this was abusive because of the slow subtle manner in which the control took place. It was when we started getting more into the manner in which the partner was isolating them from all those folks who they loved and wanted to spend time with that they were able to acknowledge the abuse that was going on. Yes, they thought the behavior was strange, but they never really questioned it for what it is. People who control others to this degree are people that have no trust and will make your life hell if you don’t get out. You may find as one of my clients did, that her controlling husband of 10 years had not paid their taxes in a few years even though he lied and said he did, as he was working to steal her assets in the process. So, beware of this type of behavior.
Learning: Relationships can be wonderful, however, we need to have our eyes open and listen to our gut when things feel wrong, hurtful, and abusive in some manner. If you find yourself in any of the above situations do what you can to leave the relationship because it may very well save yourself from not only the interpersonal abuse but a loss in your assets without your even realizing it till it’s too late.
If you are finding yourself in a relationship that isn’t working out, please contact me by sending me a message so we can set up a free 45-minute phone consultation to see what we can do to help you out at:
