What Makes a Great Therapist, Great!

A person on Quora asked me this question 3 years ago, and someone on Quora just upvoted it today, so I thought I would share the answer I wrote back then because it is a question that many people have when seeking out a therapist.

I have been working in the world of mental health since 1993. I can tell you that the most important aspect of being a counselor is to get out of your own head and into the thinking of your client/patient. You see, the worst thing a counselor can do is to believe that they have the answers without listening to what the client is saying, what the client is NOT saying, and between the lines of what the client is saying — because these are all different levels of communication.

Second, never believe that you as the counselor could ever really understand how your patient is feeling or what they are thinking. It is impossible — it is the counselor’s job to respect what their client is saying and to go from there.

It is very important to treat your client with respect. They are at least 50% of the equation in healing and to believe that they don’t have a clue what they need is dehumanizing and disrespectful. Not that they have all their answers, otherwise they would not be seeing a counselor. It is to say that they can have insights, and in fact, those with the insights into what will help them the most are the clients that get the best results. So, all the licenses and certifications in the world don’t mean crap if one isn’t willing to be ‘present’ with the client — it is indeed what a therapist is being paid to do — with an open mind and pure heart.

Sadly, I have seen way too many people in the world of mental health believe that they have the answers for their patients and instead, they end up projecting their own unhealed crap onto them. I have also had hypnosis clients come in with mental health pros telling them they were sexually abused as younger people though they don’t remember it, only to come in to see me and find out that nothing at all happened. So leading people into negative states based on a hunch is a very terrible thing to do to a patient. If the patient doesn’t bring it up, there is no need to put this crap in their head.

Last, one needs to be able to hear heartbreaking stories without being emotionally terrorized (tripped up, emotionally triggered) by hearing these stories. It is about having appropriate boundaries. It is fine to empathize with the client. It is NEVER okay to get really upset because of what they told you or, worse, take sides against the people they are speaking negatively about until you meet that person yourself and find out what the dynamic is. One of my clients went to see a mental health professional and brought her husband with her because she was having a tough time and realized it had to do with her — nothing to do with him. She only wanted him there for emotional support and the mental health pro sat there telling him what a horrible husband he was for whatever…My client was mortified and came to see me to clear that horror out of her mind with hypnosis.

It is most important for any therapist/counselor to do their best to clear themselves of any negative emotions and limiting beliefs as they arise so that they can be strong enough to never be triggered by their clients’ stories because this makes the client feel unsafe during their sessions. The client is looking for a safe place to be honest about what they experienced and needs their therapist to be strong holding a safe place for the client to reflect on the events and grow from them.

Because many therapists have terrible boundaries, getting triggered or upset by a client’s story they will give the client horrifically bad input on how to deal with the situation — I am speaking of therapists who have been abused in some fashion throughout their lives, divorced especially if it was a difficult divorce, someone who had an abortion and never healed emotionally from it, etc.

Patience is also necessary because some clients will indeed push the therapist being angry, not doing the work necessary between sessions to implement what they are being taught, and others won’t be able to articulate their issues well. So patience is necessary throughout the process.

Those are just a few aspects of the work, that go above and beyond the theories, one learns in class.

Thanks again for the question, because many people believe that they would like to get into this work, and it is very humbling work if one remembers why it is that one has gotten into it in the first place — to help the clients heal.