What Can We Learn From Broken Relationships?
Today I want to explore the idea of dealing with issues in love relationships where perhaps you were the one who was unreasonable, overly clingy, overly demanding, dismissive, etc. It really does not matter what the particular issues were, just that you realize now with hindsight that there were definitely actions and attitudes that you held while in that relationship that was unhealthy for the relationship.
Though there are some healthy relationships out there, upon closer observation, there are many that look great from the outside, yet have some very negative interactions inside them between the couples involved. So, first, never compare your relationship to another because you have no idea what is really going on there unless you spend an extended time in the environment.
Next, we need to understand that the whole purpose of being in close relationships is to have our ‘shadow self’ (Carl Jung’s concept of ‘shadow self where we see those aspects of ourselves we would rather not recognize) show up in the partner we choose. It is when these negative states are seen in the other, that we realize that there are some things that we need to clean up in ourselves. It is all part of our emotional growth process. If there was some negative behavior or attitude that you brought into the relationship, again, take note of those things that you did that were unhealthy for the relationship and work on letting go of them for the next relationship.
One example that I have from my own experience was acting like a raving maniac early in my marriage. Sadly, it was a behavior that I picked up from my mother. One day I understood what it was and from where it came and realized that I didn’t need to replicate the ridiculously selfish and infantile behavior of my mother. So, I cracked up laughing and let my husband know that I finally realized that this was so crazy and that I was ending it right there. We hugged and that was the end of it.
Another one of my behaviors that made my ex insane was that of talking so much. I really didn’t understand that we had two problems really. One was that I did talk a lot overwhelming him with my words. And, the second is that he is a kinesthetic learner so he takes 3 times as long to get his thoughts together as I do as a visual learner which would make me insane — waiting for him to articulate his thoughts. I realized the first during group therapy back in the early 90s and the second after I learned the different unconscious learning methods in my NLP training in 2003 so 17 years into the marriage at that point. Since then, I have learned to allow my ex all the time he needs to articulate his thoughts and it no longer makes me crazy — maybe because we are no longer married — who knows? I am also much less wordy than I used to be though I can still talk a lot to be sure if there is something of interest to talk about.
Learning: Relationships are there so that we can see our ‘shadow selves’ (those aspects that we don’t want to see in ourselves) in our mates so that we can learn and grow from the relationship. No relationship is perfect, they all have learning opportunities so best never to compare your relationship to another. It is far better to compare your relationship from the present to the past. Has there been any growth? And, what learning can you take from a relationship that has fallen apart to improve the next relationship?
***If you are a person who is looking to improve your relationship with your partner, or someone who is looking to have healthier relationships, I am running a 3-Day Retreat at the lovely Villa Serena Holistic Hotel & Retreat Center right on the aqua water of the Dominican Republic Oct. 2–3, 2021. You may get more information here:
You will be in a beautiful setting with much time to enjoy the relaxing venue and great food.
