My Learnings From Those Who Were Close to Me Who Have Passed Over: From Both Healthy and Not So Healthy Relationships
Today I want to speak to our ‘life’s journey.’ This is a really large subject, however, I do believe that I can make it simple enough for a single post through the examples of lives lived and now passed on to the other side.
Over the past few years, I have lost many people that I was very close to — not all the relationships were particularly healthy to be sure, and yet, these were people who were a part of my life because…well they were called into it for whatever larger learning I needed to receive.
Three of the people that I lost more recently were my parental figures.
My mother-in-law passed away a few years ago of lung cancer. This was a woman who constantly spoke of life being hard and wanting to go to heaven so when she got her wish, my guess is that she was fairly happy with the end result. Though getting there was hell itself as she was trying to take care of both herself and her husband who also had lung cancer. He had fallen and busted his hip right before I was to move out to California (in 2013). I wanted to see her (and a few others in her area before I left the East coast). Well, “Senior” as I called my ex-father-in-law recovered and she died several months later. I did see her a couple of times before her passing. She was her same self — smiling and present. She had food for me and her son (my -ex) when we went to visit them — Chinese takeout — not particularly of great quality — but it was there even with how sick she was it didn’t matter. She explained that they were living on take-out by that time and that we needed to have lunch anyway. All the years that I was married to her son traveling to see them there was always a home-cooked meal of great effort ready for all to enjoy. Yes, she was my rock for many years as I wasn’t getting on with my own family during my 20s and 30s, and she was there, present, non-judgmental as I was going through the depths of my bipolar. This was years before I even knew what it was that I was experiencing. It so happened that one of my sister-in-law’s friends had it so Sandy, my mother-in-law had a basic understanding of how those with it acted. Never did she blame me for having a mental illness — she never even mentioned it — she was just there to help when Bob and I needed her there in whatever ways she could be and for that, I will always be grateful. So, when she said to me as I was leaving her place that Tuesday morning that she was upset that Bobby (my ex and her son) had not been to visit his dad the entire month that he had been in rehab and how much that hurt her, I let her know that I would get his ass down there. Sandy, being Sandy told me that I didn’t have to do that to which I told Sandy, that it was quite fine — I would get him there (it was about 2.25 hours from where he lived and about 3 hours from where I was living at the time) if I had to drive him myself and that did come to pass the very next week. I was leaving to move out to California that next Sunday, so it had to be done while I was still around. And, it was because I was able to make that happen that I was finally able to hear my ex finally tell his father that his assumption was wrong — that he did not drive us down there to visit, but indeed “Suzanne drove me down to see you both.” — and that shut him up for the first time ever in making harsh commentaries to me. You see, my relationship with ‘Senior’ was one of constant antisemitic barbs (my being raised as a reform Jew) because I ALWAYS stood up for Bob (my ex) because of the sick relationship that they had all his life till the very end of Senior’s life. I do believe there was some healing that occurred after my mother-in-law’s death before Senior passed away himself about a 1 1/2 years later. I can’t say I had any feeling at all about his death other than the fact that he was no longer able to be a constant worry to my sister-in-law and her husband while he drove his huge SUV while drunk. Many years before the in-laws moved down to Connecticut to be closer to their only grandkid so, taking care of him fell on them. In short, it was a great relief! Though Senior had nothing to do with my life, having taken myself out of his life for the previous 20+ years till that last time I saw him. You see, we have choices to make about with whom and under what circumstances we will be among others. I was more than happy to meet up with my mother-in-law and let her know that and why it was that I was no longer willing to spend any more time with her husband. Being verbally abused wasn’t happening any longer. Sadly, it took till I was 40-years-old to have that conversation with her. Again, she respected my decision. With that conversation done meant there no more wasted hours driving a couple hours to go be abused yet again for no reason whatsoever.
My mom was ready to ‘go home’ as she put it the day before she passed away. She had very serious mental illnesses along with many physical ailments — stuck in a wheelchair unwilling to go through the physical pain to heal her hip after it was replaced. Still, her final words to me that day before she passed were, “I had two wonderful marriages and had a lot of fun raising my kids.’ That to me was a miracle knowing what hell she was put into about 9 years previous to that because of her fear of living in a nursing home moving into a very abusive situation. She lived in that nursing home her last 7 years of her life quite happily so given all the loving people that she was surrounded by including her 2 roommates. It gave me hope for the end of life process being beautiful which was a great learning to be sure. You see, I had thrown her out of my life for the previous 7 years because of her verbally abusive way of interacting with me. My youngest sister filled in the gap seeing her once or twice a month. Given the tender way in which she interacted with mom the few times I was there visiting while my youngest sister was there with her husband, I was very glad that I stepped out because I no longer could give her any of that loving care. I was able to get her basic needs taken care of during the last 10 days of her life as I visited for about an hour every day. Seriously, that was all she could handle sleeping most of the day at that point. I found out what the nursing home was doing for her medically and that was about it — no love lost by that time. Though it needs to be recognized that it was because of my mom that I had the best teachers for me all through elementary school, she and the Principal choosing my teachers for me each year based on my learning disabilities which thankfully I have learned how to compensate for all through high school (a loving hug to Mr. Huppuch who reads this post quite regularly and his assistant, Nancy Frankland who helped me learn how to learn) and Curry College (where I had the best professors ever!) -but man if it weren’t for my mom spending ‘thousands of hours tutoring me according to my dad (in the context of how proud she was of how well I was doing at college as he died a couple years after I graduated from Curry College)- I would not have been able to make it through high school, never mind having dad pay for my undergraduate college education at a private college against his better judgment. But, I am happy to report that I did him proud come graduation day letting him know that he made a decent investment in me.
Then there was Richard, my Godson’s dad — who was my very best friend for 35 of the 39 years that we were friends. He wanted a relationship with me that I could not give him since I didn’t have the feelings for him that he had for me, and yet, we were able to have a brother-sister type relationship and were there for one another for all those years. He had a lot on his plate given his family of origin and all the issues there — he had other problems with his wife years later. Yet, he won awards for the great job that he did with the developmentally disabled clients that he had worked with as a case manager for 35 years or more — I can’t really remember, but it was a very long time working for the State of Massachusetts as a case manager in the Dept. of Developmental Disabilities. The Governor of the state and the Mayor of the City of Haverhill both gave him awards for his work. And, still, he spent most of his adult life fairly sickly with asthma, and later all sorts of food allergies and the gastrointestinal issues that go with those illnesses. The great learning here is that one has to give one the loving care and sense of self-love and self-respect to one’s self before anything that anyone else has to say will matter. During our college days, Richard rescued me many times as I was in the depths of depression. He would come around to my dorm (he lived a few minutes down the street from the college at his home) and invite me to go to Howard Johnsons for all you can eat clams and french fries and of course we had to have an ice cream sundae to top it all off. Or, he would gather me to take me to a bowling night or some other event that was going on with his friends. I never really felt like a part of that group, but they accepted me because, well, I was Richard’s special friend. He was more upset with the demise of my marriage than I was — which was interesting to be sure. Bob and I had spent many weekends at his home because Richard wanted us to be close to our Godchildren. And, it is because of my time with my Godkid all those weekends that we are as close as we are today. That kid (he’s 32 years old and will ALWAYS BE MY KID) calls me every week to check in — hey that’s what Whatsapp is there for, right? Even though I have my US phone number here in Israel and he could call straight through on that if he so chose at no expense but he likes using Whatsapp. It doesn’t matter how he connects, so long as he is connecting because he feels moved to do so for his own reasons. So, Richard gave me one of the most precious gifts of my life with his son and my Godson Benjamin — a kid who always knows how to crack me up no matter how bad a mood I am in.
Harry and I had a very complex relationship. We both enjoyed many of the same things and so we did many wonderful things together, mostly to do with traveling to interesting places that had great food and the best of art. Harry was a first-class art collector within his means — much of the art purchased during his 20s going way up in value over the many decades. For him figuring out the newest rising stars was a lot of fun — along with playing the stock market. And yet, when he would get drunk which was often given his love for Guinness Beer and his alcoholic tendencies, he could be demeaning and just nasty to me. Actually, even after he gave up the alcohol after almost killing himself with it, he could be very abusive — but I do believe that was more a matter of certain medications that he was on than anything else because when he was taken off of them, he wasn’t as abusive. However, to be honest I left him 4 times if we count my escape to Israel for my Master’s in Peace & Conflict Management. Harry always said we were connected through past lives — through our souls. I tend to agree with him on that point because it is the only reason that I can give for continually going back to him — because there was something stronger than my will involved there which will always remain a mystery. I helped him through the worst 2 years of his life health-wise to get his surgeries and medical care that he required because of his COPD and his bone-on-bone hip arthritis. That was finally taken care of after he had all his rotting teeth taken out because the surgeon wouldn’t touch him till that was done not wanting to be liable should Harry get an infection from his mouth down to the surgical area. After that surgery and all his rehab I was free to leave and did so, very gladly. I have to say that his passing wasn’t something that I was at all shocked by, rather the fact that he lasted as long as he did given the terrible diet he ate left to his own devices and his lack of remembering to take his medications. I do believe it was indeed all the candy and other sugar he was constantly eating that was a perfect feeding ground for the cancer that killed him. It that had metastasized from his colon to his liver and lung only found less than a week before he died -so much for the US medical system. That guy spent so much time at Saint V’s hospital having myriad tests done and never did anyone find this cancer till his great friend an ex-nurse had an ambulance called as he was looking very weak yet again while she and her husband were checking in on him. Yet, Harry had a very great quality of life from those who didn’t know him well with all his travels, all his art collecting, and his love of the water. Yet, he was always worried about not having enough money to last his life especially after all the hospital bills started coming in. He was suffering from anxiety attacks some from his worries, and some from the hard time he had breathing at times because of COPD. He had a fabulous art collection which was truly his great love. He would tell me often that the images on the walls spoke to him in a language that he could understand. He didn’t understand my language often it seemed. Though to be fair, he did respect my knowledge of nutrition and health — except for when he was taken down by the medications. He loved me in his own way for his own reasons and told me so often even if he had a very strange way of showing it at times. I was there to help him because he had brought me on a fabulous trip to Ireland for his cousin’s wedding and then to Malaga, Spain to see the then brand new Picasso Museums — to Gibraltor, to Tangiers getting me onto a whole other continent for the first time ever, back to Alhambra Spain, and back to Ireland for our flight back to Boston. He told me that the flight he was to take from Boston to JFK in NYC was delayed for hours, and then he had a 2-hour limo drive back to his home in Connecticut — and even with that, he was always speaking of the fun he had with me on that vacation. I definitely got to see many sites that the average person would not have known of in both Ireland because of his mom coming from there and his many visits back there over the decades to visit his mother’s relatives. And, Spain — so many interesting places in the South of Spain — sipping my iced tea sitting on a veranda of a hotel, previously a nun’s convent overlooking the Mediterranean Sea — that is the point when I fell in love with this part of the world — right there at that moment — in 2006.
Then there are the many folks who have died in the last 20 years or so — folks my own age a couple at 33 years old — one due to a freak accident while on vacation, and another due to a brain aneurysm leaving his wife 6 months pregnant. My ex’s co-worker of cancer when she was in her early 50s, and my ex’s first art model while he was still at the Art Institute of Boston of breast cancer in her early 40s.
You see, some folks are resilient and are able to reframe life and death in a manner in which life can continue in a fulfilling way. For others, there are many ill feelings, never having been cleared out causing much of the physical illness that takes one out. Because, this I do know from my own healing from both mental health and physical health issues — that when we focus on health and wellbeing while still being fulfilled — doing whatever it takes to be whole — we can indeed be whole. This is the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza who helps his workshop attendees to have spontaneous remissions and healing. However, I do believe that when we wrap our mind around that which serves us, instead of that which deadens us, we are able to have much more and better lives to live being productive individuals. I do know because of the conversations that I had with many of those who died of cancer that there were many hurt feelings and negative aspects in their families of origin. This was true for my in-laws as well.
Learning: It is within our own minds that we either heal or we die — emotionally first and then physically. It is up to us to choose with whom and under what circumstances we will be spending time with others. This is only something each of us can do for ourselves based on the health or lack of it in the emotional energy that is discharged with each of the people involved. No one else can know your own individual experience so being guilted into spending time with people that you find abusive or just drag down your energy is not something to be responded to. And, when it is time to heal the old wounds, it is most necessary to take those steps before the death occurs if at all possible — because the most magnificent of experiences can be had at that time.
NOTE: For Medical Doctors & Doctors of Osteopathy ONLY: Dr. Daniel Rieders and I have put together a private Facebook group just for you where Dr. Rieders will be announcing interesting learning opportunities for you and where we are putting together some very informative and useful trainings just for you. Please join the group and please do answer the questions so we can best serve you. We look forward to seeing you over there at:
