Healing The Breakup Of A Long-Time Relationship

Today we are going to enter the world of how one overcomes a relationship that is no more, a relationship that was very meaningful, yet it did not work out for whatever reason. This is a very important subject because many people skip over the healing that needs to be done to be able to form a healthier relationship the next time around.

First of all, I want to be totally transparent here and let you know that I was indeed married for over 20 years, and it was my ex who asked for the divorce. I also want to be very clear that though I loved him very much, and still do, by the time of the divorce I was no longer ‘in love’ with him — this is a very important distinction and has much to do with the appropriate healing of a relationship. He was correct to ask for the divorce because the relationship had gone its course in our case. Neither of us was happy in the marriage for our own reasons having grown at different rates and wanting different things for our lives.

The first thing that I want to bring up is the importance of taking time away from relationships to get in touch with who you are without the influence of another impacting your feelings and thoughts about yourself. You see, in order to really be able to heal, we need to get back to who we are as individuals.

What is truly important to you as an individual? Your interests, your goals, special relationships, etc.

What do you want your life to look like?

What do you really want to be doing with your life?

What do you want to be doing with your time?

How do you want to structure your day, week, month, year?

What are those things that you did not do because you were in a relationship and your situation did not allow the time or perhaps money needed to do those things?

What did you learn about yourself from this relationship?

What did your partner help you to learn?

What did your partner help you to accomplish by being there for you?

What are the things that you were doing that you really resented but felt compelled to do because you were with this other person? (Activities that your partner enjoyed, but you did not, hanging out with people that your partner was friends with but who you did not enjoy being with, family gatherings, etc.)

These are all very important questions that require some real thought to answer completely. I can tell you in my own experience that the best thing that I did for myself was to live in my own place — a different place than the one where my ex and I lived for the last 12 years of our marriage and really take the time to get what I needed to learn both about myself and about what I learned from being in the relationship with my ex-husband.

It was through my ex that I was able to try many different careers after healing my own health issues that I found my ‘calling’ of hypnotism and NLP. It was the hypnotism and NLP that actually helped me to get to the ‘cause’ and the ‘purpose’ for being sick in the first place to allow me to truly be cleared of these illnesses. For that, I will always be grateful.

We had many wonderful gatherings of all types with our friends over many years and those times will always be remembered with a warm heart along with the many trips we took to interesting places and all the art we saw along the way and that he created as well, being a visual artist.

We had many interesting conversations both having similar values.

What did not work out for me so well was the personality differences between us with me being very extroverted and he being really introverted. This caused issues for us because he couldn’t deal with all my energy when I was finally healthy and able to do the many things I wanted to do when I had the energy to do these things at long last. There were many times when he just wanted to be left alone to do his own thing and that did not work so well for me. I just wanted to have a fun life full of adventures and do the work that brings so much meaning to my life.

I also realized that my freedom means more to me than almost anything else. I love roaming the world and meeting people of many cultures which is why being a part of the International School here at the University of Haifa was such an important experience for me. I learned so much being at a school with so many people from so many cultures that were totally different from my own — sharing an apartment with several from different countries.

I realized that the relationships at least for me that mean the most are the ones where I can just be…and not have to worry about what someone else expects of me because, at this late date, I just want to be…It may be that someone special will show up in my future, however, it isn’t something that I am actively looking to fulfill.

For you, the result may be that you recognize that you learned a lot from your relationship and that it served its purpose. You may have learned that there were certain ‘red flags’ that you ignored from the beginning because you were so enamored with the idea of ‘being in love’ or finally having a partner and now realize that perhaps that was not the best way to form a relationship.

Or maybe, your partner died and you need to heal that wound before moving on to another relationship. Because, when a person is such an important part of one’s life, it is only right to feel the grief, move through it, and then when you feel healed move on to another relationship if that is what you desire.

The most important guidance I can give is to never bring the negative attributes of your former relationship into your present one. These are two different people and need to be respected as such.

If you are still angry with your ex, you are most likely not in the best place to begin a new relationship. Deal with that anger — let it go. And, only when that anger is dispelled is it time for you to move on to another relationship so that it can be started with a ‘clean slate.’

None of this is easy to do, and yet, without doing this work we tend to repeat the same old habits that got us into the prior relationship. If it was healthy all the power to you. However, for many of us, the relationship was not particularly healthy which we know from being unhappy, unfulfilled, or perhaps unhealthy.

Learning: There is a lot of healing that we need to do before we move from one relationship to the next. We need to do this internal work so that we can attract an emotionally healthy person who can add much more to our lives than subtract from it as we move forward.

***If you are a person who is finding it difficult to be in the relationship that you are in or incapable of finding a healthy relationship for yourself I invite you to join me for a 3-Day retreat called “Bringing Love to Your Primary Relationship” which is happening Oct 2–4, 2021 at the lovely Villa Serena Holistic Health Hotel right on the ocean of the Dominican Republic.

It’s a perfect venue to do this deep work and enjoy the relaxing venue at the same time. For more information: https://dawningvisions.com/upcoming-events/