A Missing Piece to “Love”
Today we are going to continue the exploration of what ‘love’ is as I have a retreat coming up in October that will be going much deeper into the healing of those aspects of ourselves that keep loving relationships away from us.
I have a bit of story, to share with you that demonstrates how one can demonstrate love for another — and that was simply the response that my roommate gave me when I asked her if she was going home for the weekend or staying here in the dorm because her first set of exams have been completed. Her response was to gush out the story of her mother telling her on the phone that she was with my roommate’s sister as she had just had her baby. So, the phone comes out with the photo of the newborn baby and both my roommates are gushing all over it. And, then my roommate said that she was going home to be with her family and be with the baby.
Now, my response was much more detached as my own feelings regarding others babies have little to nothing to do with me, and besides, I don’t find the subject of babies to be a very interesting thing at all. I personally find young kids much more fun and interesting because they can interact with you and come up with the most interesting of observations that we adults would overlook in our lack of ability to just be true to who we are in too many cases.
However, my roommates’ love of babies was very present at that moment in time. My other roommate has a young nephew that she loves to interact with and definitely has a close loving relationship with as she does her whole family.
But, where do these feelings of love come from? How do we generate them for ourselves so that we can be loved as well as loving to others? That is the question that most people fail to ask and then find themselves in relationships that are destructive instead of nourishing.
We already spoke about the oxytocin that is released when we are near a person that we are attracted to on the chemical level. However, that isn’t loving, that is just attraction.
So, love is the feeling state that we find ourselves experiencing when we realize that the person that we feel love toward rising up inside us just because. There is nothing to be gained other than the fact that the person brings us a feeling of calm, safety, and perhaps inspiration.
On the primary partner level, the love will bring a sense of knowing that this person is the one with whom we can be ourselves and never found to be lesser for our quirks and human frailties. There are no harsh judgments, just insights, and compassion.
This doesn’t mean that arguments will not occur, because two people will always have differences in opinion on certain subjects, but it is to say that the arguments are had in a constructive manner to bring understanding and stronger bonds.
But, how does one create that possibility for such a loving relationship? I would say that it all goes back to our understanding that we all have human frailties, times with bad judgment, to which we need to bring our humility into the relationship for better understanding.
This is an integral piece that of humility and is the piece missing in many relationships. One partner will decide that they are ‘right’ about a certain thing and then bully the other into moving in that direction, instead of listening to the other’s perspective. It may be that the person is correct in their assessment, however, until and unless we are willing to listen and consider the other’s perspective, there is no love to be had — rather it becomes a minefield of adaption to never have to argue with the other. That is not a relationship, that is a bullying session on one level and a loss of self on a deeper level.
I would have to say that there were many times during my marriage when my ex gave me his input and I just took it in. I did not argue with him, I just wanted to understand his perspective. And, you know what? More often than not his perspective was correct and I let him know that I appreciated his point of view. Because we need someone whose judgment we can rely on to help us to navigate those more difficult situations that we may find ourselves in. This was one of the most important aspects of our relationship so far as I am concerned. We are no longer married as we grew apart in many ways, wanted different things in life, but that doesn’t take away from the manner in which humility played a role in my making better decisions based on his input. We are still very good friends to this day, picking up where we last left off which in itself says much about the deeper level of connection we have after growing up together really over the 30+ years that we have known one another.
Learning: Humility is one key aspect of any relationship where each partner can learn from the other when it is present. It isn’t a matter of having to be ‘right.’ It is a matter of respectful conversation with a considered response to another’s viewpoint that will allow the relationship to grow.
If you are either looking for a relationship based on love or are in a relationship where that love has been less than presently do check out the retreat I will be doing in October in the Dominican Republic at the beautiful Villa Serena Hotel. More information can be found here:
